The woes of lost friendship

Frankly I am not too interested and even a bit afraid to know others can read this so am not sure just how this will pan out. But with God leading I can press forward.

So, with that said, here goes:

There is a deep unrelenting sadness when a person is no longer a part of your life. Death doesn't separate us, but a parting of the ways seems like death. I wish it were death, it would be almost easier to deal with.

Someone that I had known for a long time, we came to Christ together and I know Christ brought us together, have not spoken for over a year. It is harder to know that Christ has caused our going down different paths yet both still following Christ or at least I hope so on this person's part.

I recently found out one of her daughter's got married and until I found out via a sign in their driveway, I had not realized just how deep the severing of our friendship had gone. I was shocked at first and then I felt God released me even more from that relationship. But now I mourn our loss and I wonder if reconnecting is wise.

Those might not be the right words for I truly have no desire to reconnect with her at all. Her problems are so huge and overpowering that I lose my life and live in her world.

That really is what caused the breakdown and why I was the one to bring it to it's miserable end.

It is a lofty and hard responsibility to be the one that ends a friendship. It is not a burden that I wished to carry.

We actually parted on good terms both agreeing that neither of us owed each other anything.

But I have forgotten that over the last year. I don't feel either of us owe each other anything but I wish if I had such a thing as a wish, I wish she could tell me it again. I wish I could ask her that again. 

I always needed her to approve of what I did and that need was so deep that I could hardly breathe until I got it. I needed to know I was ok in her eyes.

It is that need as disfunctional as it is, still lingers to a degree. I have moved on, pressed forward but the release is not complete.

I pray each day that I will find freedom in Christ and Him alone. Not need for someone to approve so I can move on.

So, there it is.